No Regrets
by shaunalease1
Summary: This is a gap filler from the moment Brian finally confesses his love to Justin at the end of 5.10, and the beginning of episode 5.11.
1. Chchchanges

No Regrets

A Brian and Justin Fan Fiction

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters nor do I presume to do so. I make these for fun not profit and mean no disrespect. If you do not like male/male relationships or any television shows regarding homosexuality, please refrain from reading my story. I would appreciate that respect.

Author's Note: I know I am behind on some of my other stories. But I had an idea and I had to run with it. This is a gap filler from the moment Brian finally confesses his love to Justin at the end of 5.10, and the beginning of episode 5.11. It was originally one chapter but now it is two. This is what I believe to have transpired between these two. Warning: If any of the themes presented disturb, please refrain.

Ch 1: **Ch-ch-changes?**

He actually said it. Brian actually said those three words I never thought I'd hear pass from his lips to my ears. When he did, my knees almost buckled. I felt like a gigantic weight that I had been carrying around for so long, finally broke free from me. I had accepted that Brian would never say those words to me, that we would never have a future together, at least not the one I had been envisioning for us for some time.

But these thoughts shouldn't be running through my head as I am standing there on my tiptoes with the police lights flashing behind us in alternation between blue and red. I should be thinking about all of the victims that had lost their lives and those in critical condition. And I was, but I was so blown away by Brian's revelation, I momentarily suspended the events of the bombing from my memory. It was totally selfish, and in that moment, I regretted it. But I would soon learn an important lesson. In fact, very soon.

"Let's go home," Brian shakily whispered to me. I didn't realize before, but Brian was trembling, whether from the revelation or from the shocking events of the night, I didn't know. Maybe a little of both. Home? Where was home? Was he serious? I looked up from him and tried to release myself from his grasp but he held me too tightly. He wouldn't let go. He looked into my eyes they pleaded to me, showing me all I needed to know. But I asked regardless.

"What do you mean? Go home?"

"To my place." I paused and looked into Brian's eyes. It was then I realized I couldn't deny him anything. Not anymore."

"Yes, please. I need to get out of here. Away from this mess."

"Okay, come on." Brian finally let go of me but as I started to walk away he grasped my hand and interlaced our fingers. "Don't. Please."

I understood then and there what Brian needed. He needed intimacy and to be honest, I needed it, too. My heart beat for it, more furious than I had ever felt. The road to the loft was silent. Brian must have driven in the limo on his detour from going to the Australian airport. I was glad he was there and that he turned around. Did I really think anything different? The limo was nice, but foreign. He must have recently gotten it because I had never seen it before.

Finally after what seemed like hours, the limo pulled up the loft. I hesitated to get out, and Brian looked over at me and squeezed my hand. At that, I got out and followed. The lift to the loft was also silent and I wondered who was going to break it first. I didn't have to wait long, however. Brian would initiate.

"I need to change. You should, too. Get out of those clothes."

"I don't have anything else."

"You can wear a pair of my sweats."

"Yeah, okay."

Brian walked to the bedroom and began stripping. I couldn't help but watch him. He seemed so calm and collected even though I knew thoughts must have been racing throughout his head. I was paralyzed it seemed, mesmerized by the figure in front of me that once called 'the face of god' and probably still did. I walked in to the bedroom to find he had already lain the sweats on the bed for me to change into. I started unbuttoning my jacket that one of the paramedics had given me but Brian stopped me.

Instead he began to unbutton them. "Let me. Please."

"Brian, I can do it."

"I know you can, Sunshine." He tossed my jacket onto the floor and soon followed the rest of my garments. I wondered if he would try to have his way with me, but it seemed to me like anything sexual was far from his mind. That would be a first.

"Brian, I want to take a shower," I told him before he had a chance to hand me the sweats. "I'm filthy. I need to get this night off of me."

"Yeah okay. I'll be right here."

"Okay." I walked into the shower and looked back to watch Brian slip under the covers. I could have stood in the shower for hours, washing the grime off and the grime underneath all of the grime: the shock, which wouldn't come off for days. But I knew that Brain was waiting for me.

I turned off the water and stepped out, grabbing the clean red towel hanging over the shower. It smelled like him, I thought, as I held it up to my nose. As I walked over to the bed, completely devoid of clothing and towel, Brian looked up at me. His eyes remained on my face and I saw something in his eyes. A watery shimmer. Was he crying? No, instead, I saw all of the love he had for me. I recognized that stare before, and I didn't realize why I didn't put two and two together back then. I knew he loved me but I wasn't sure if he really _loved _me. Now all that has changed.

Brian moved to the opposite side of the bed, his side, and lifted up the covers, inviting me to join him like he did once before. I quietly slipped in beside him after I put on the sweats. I had my back towards him and I was almost afraid to touch him. Afraid that what had happened would just have been a dream and I would wake up. Only, the events from that night weren't a dream, they were a nightmare, and I knew they couldn't be erased. He spooned up behind me.

"Justin, face me."

I turned so that I was in the position he requested. He moved some hair away form my forehead and stared deeply into my eyes.

"I was so fucking scared, Justin."

"I know, me too."

"I'm just sorry I wasn't there."

"Don't say that, Brian. You could have been hurt. If there was a chance anything could have happened to you—"

"Something happened to _you_, and for that, I would trade our places."

"But I'm all right, I'm not hurt. Just some minor smoke inhalation. I'll be fine."

"I can't even bear to think of what might have been the alternative."

"Then don't."

"Justin, I'm so sorry. So so sorry, could you ever forgive me?"

"Brian, sorry for what?"

"For being such a fucking idiot and not seeing what an amazing person you are. Not seeing that I need you in my life but I was too much of a fucking prick to admit it. To just let it be."

"Brian—"

"No, Justin. Please let me finish."

"What if I didn't get the chance to tell you how I felt about you, that I—" Brian gulped and took in a huge breath of air. "That I love you. I could never forgive myself."

"But you did tell me. You finally told me."

"But you don't get it. It could have been too fucking late then I would have regretted it for the rest of my life."

"Let's not dwell on it, then Brian. Because we're fine and I'm fine. You're fine," I gestured by pointing at him.

"What happens now?"

"Brian, what do you mean?"

"With us. What happens with us?"

"We still want different things, and just because you admitted how you feel, doesn't mean that's going to change."

"Please give me another chance. I'll try to change. Please."

"Brian, I—"

"Do _you _still love _me?_

"What kind of a question is that? Of course I still love you. I always have and I always will. Even if we're not together. I still want to get married, Brian. And have a family someday, if that's even in the cards for me. And you've made yourself perfectly clear that's not what you want for yourself."

"You're right, Justin. I don't want those things, but that doesn't mean I won't want them later."

"You want me to wait on the off chance that someday you'll change your mind? Is that really fair to me?"

"No, it's not."

"Look, Brian. My feelings for you are as strong as they were the first day I met you, well maybe they are stronger, but the clarity on which I feel them is the same." I retorted, while running my fingers up and down his arm.

"Then kiss me."

"Brian."

"Please Justin. If nothing else, let me have this."

I leaned in and kissed him. I couldn't deny Brian anything, except the resignation of my dreams for the future. I wouldn't do that. I felt what he wanted me to feel. I felt the need we both had for each other. It was so overpowering. If I needed him, how could I not be with him? To need is almost to yearn, to the point it becomes painful and literally so. I needed Brian like I needed air. I wouldn't compromise my dreams, but maybe I'd put them on hold for a while.

I couldn't believe what I was thinking. Was I really willing to give him another chance? Give us another chance knowing I might just end up leaving him again? If I left him again, I swore it would be the last time. The kiss never got more heated and I was glad we broke apart. I had made my decision, but I would wait until morning to let it sink in. Maybe I'd change my mind again.

He rubbed our foreheads together then our noses before pulling away.

"Thank you."

"Bri, I'm really tired. Can we sleep?"

"Yeah, of course. And Justin?"

"Yeah?"

"Will you be here when I wake up?"

"Of course I will. Good night." I tried to turn with my back to him again but he prevented me from doing so.

"Don't. Let me hold you." I was so surprised with how needy Brian was being. He must have been really shaken up. I had never seen him like this before, not even after the bashing. It was a side of Brian Kinney I never thought I'd see, let alone exist.

I nodded my head in approval and he pulled me close. As close to his body as I had ever physically been besides when we were fucking. Things were definitely changing, but would they progress? Or would signs of the way our relationship was before resurface?


	2. Thoughts Divided

No Regrets

A Brian and Justin Fan Fiction

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters nor do I presume to do so. I make these for fun not profit and mean no disrespect. If you do not like male/male relationships or any television shows regarding homosexuality, please refrain from reading my story. I would appreciate that respect.

Author's Note: This is the final part of the gap filler I posted almost exactly a year ago. Tomorrow it will have been a year. Takes place from the moment Brian finally confesses his love to Justin at the end of 5.10, and the beginning of episode 5.11. It was originally one chapter but now it is two. This is what I believe to have transpired between these two. Warning: If any of the themes presented disturb, please refrain.

Ch 2: **Thoughts Divided**

Shimmering light filtered in through a nearby window as I slowly opened my eyes. They strained against the foreign light. I was disoriented and forgot where I was. It looked like a place I had woken up in so many times over the years. More than I could count. I suddenly felt strong arms wrapped around my waist. His arms. I would always recognize them along with my partner's breathing. Correction, ex-partner. Waking up in his arms, even though I knew it was temporary, was the best thing I could have woken up to after the events of last night.

Shit. Last night. Babylon. The explosion. The bomb! Vivid rapid images from last night flittered across my brain. I didn't want to relive this. One of the scariest nights of my life aside from that night in the parking garage almost 5 years ago. I remembered last night I tried to put it all in the back of my mind and just focus on Brian.

It was selfish, so selfish and I couldn't believe I could forget about the victims. Brian had caught me off guard with his declaration. After five years I doubted I'd ever hear those words from him. The ones I longed to hear, yet also feared. I feared that they weren't legitimate. That Brian was only saying them because of what happened, not that they were actually true.

I couldn't just let it be because the doubts kept reappearing. Brian shifted and I inhaled slowly, not wanting him to wake up, needing him not to so that I wouldn't have to tell him what I decided. I didn't get much time to think about how I would say to him what I needed to say.

"Morning, Sunshine. I missed this," Brian said in his sexy husky morning voice. This was going to be more difficult than I had thought.

"Yeah, me too," I smiled weakly at him.

"You okay?" He shifted to look into my eyes. I knew he would catch on, he always did. He knew me so well. It was hard to believe he didn't realize we were soulmates before. But were we?

"Yeah, I'm fine. I should go."

"Why? It's not like I have a club to run anymore. Kinnetik can wait."

"I need to go to my studio. I need to let out what I'm feeling onto a canvas."

"Oh. Can you stay for a bit first?"

Shit, I thought to myself. How in the hell was I supposed to do this? I guess there was no easy way.

"Brian, I think we should talk."

"Okay. This sounds serious, I think I need some coffee. That okay?"

"Yeah, sure. That's fine."

Brian smiled nervously at me as he rolled out of bed. He did it so effortlessly as if he had floated. He probably knew what was coming. It wasn't the first time I had left him. But it would be the last.

I didn't get up right away to follow him. I needed to think about how I would do this. I knew he'd be hurt. But he'd survive. He was Brian Fucking Kinney, Stud of Liberty Avenue. Something about saying that name in my head didn't sit right with me. It seemed as if Brian had changed and wasn't that person completely anymore. It wasn't enough to get me to change my mind, though.

I eventually smelled the brewed coffee and I knew I had to make my way into the kitchen to deliver the news. He was already reading a newspaper. Shit, the bombing was probably on the front page. I peered over his shoulder to see the front page as he handed me my cup of coffee, with lots of sugar. He knew how I liked it.

"I can't believe this. It seems real now."

"Yeah. Ugh. It sickens me that someone could do something so heartless."

"You know straight people, they hate us to our faces or behind our backs. I used to think to our faces was better because we could show them we weren't going anywhere. After last night, though, I think I'd like it much better if it remained behind our backs."

I cleared my throat. I didn't know how else to respond. I totally agreed with him. I was tired of fighting to make everyone realize that gay people were just like straight ones. When could we just win so we didn't have to fight anymore. We would always be fighting. That thought chilled me to the bone.

I couldn't hold back anymore from what needed to be done.

"Brian."

"Hmm?" He was engrossed in the paper, or at least pretended to be.

"I thought a lot about what you said last night."

"Oh?" He put the paper down and folded his hands in front of him. I could tell he was nervous. He looked up at me and waited for my continuance. I froze, suddenly not knowing how to tell him my speech I had planned out in my head.

"I meant everything I said last night."

"I know you did, Brian. So did I. I meant all of it."

It registered with Brian what I meant. I could tell by how his eyebrows folded inward.

"I can't be with someone who doesn't want the same things I do. Even if there is a chance of him wanting it in the future. I'm ready to get married now, Brian. Maybe if I'm single when you're ready, if you're ever ready, we can try again. But for now, I need to be single to figure things out." I had never meant anything more.

"Okay. I get it. But doesn't the fact I love you count for anything? The fact I said it?"

"It counts. More than you know. This decision was so hard for me to reach."

"You really don't want to be with me?"

"I can't say I don't want to. That would be a blatant lie. It's that I can't."

Brian didn't respond. He just looked at me as if I had finally did it. I finally hurt him. He then did something that is so characteristic of him. I wasn't surprised. Avoidance.

Brian cleared his throat, "Well, I should probably go into Kinnetik after all. I have to make sure all of my employees are accounted for." He got up from the barstool he was sitting at and went into his room to get dressed. I didn't know what to do or say in response, so I just watched him. He walked behind the folding screen in his bedroom so that I couldn't see him. He never shied away from me when he was changing before.

I was hurt, too. I knew he couldn't see it at the moment. He probably felt like I didn't feel anything and that he wasn't worth it. Damn his insecurities. He was worth it and that was part of the problem. I almost was willing to sacrifice my dreams for him and I knew I couldn't do that. Definitely not. I've wanted it to for too long, even before I met him.

He walked right past me as if I wasn't even there and he headed for the door. He looked back at me, gave me one last glance before he was out the door. After the door slammed, I almost broke into tears. I wouldn't be some silly little faggot. I got up, gathered my things, set the alarm and said a silent goodbye to the loft and closed the door behind me.


End file.
